The last two years have been a time of loss for me. Loss of a 7 year relationship, loss of a parent to ALS, loss of personal time due to the illness and caretaking of the surviving parent, loss of several close co-workers due to company downsizing or retirements, loss of a home I loved due to the economy, loss of my boss to cancer, loss of my health for a time and loss of libido due to menopause. And even the loss of 50 lbs due to stringent dieting But through all of this I also feel like I lost my identity, sexuality and the essence of who I am or who I thought I was. Everything I thought was true about my life, family and lover wasnt. My reality or perception of it was changed and I felt like I was kicked in the gut and forced to see that I needed to look at my life completely different.
In becoming caretaker for my parents I didnt taken care of myself. I have turned inward and begun intensive meditating, prayer and self examination. Ive also been battling depression and lack of joy in my life for these two years and Ive become more reclusive and lonely as my circle of friends and co-workers have become narrower through this process. And I have gained back most of the weight I had lost. I dont like this about myself because Ive always considered myself happy, joyful, powerful and with lots of loving friends. I am continually asking myself where did I or the reality of me go"?
Through the holistic makeover I want to relearn who I am and teach others that you can go through adversity and loss and rise above sadness and come out a better and more loving whole person. I want to inspire my daughter to be a better woman and to follow her dreams and passions and to be a role model for her in healthy loving relationships.
My pay-it-forward project would be to give back through training and sharing the joy I have learned with others. I would like to create workshops where I teach others how to create joy and find your true self. I would like to write a book or create a blog of how to do this. I would like to teach women how to be empowered not to give away too much of themselves in taking care of others. Or loving someone so much you lose yourself in them or the relationship. I would like to create a website that had a joyful message that was emailed out each day. I would like to teach holistic weight loss too. There has to be a healthy joyful way to lose weight and I would enjoy passing that message on to others.
Im looking for inspiration, laughter, love, direction, joy, friendship and healing of my life. I want to be able to have the courage to move forward in finding a new love and trusting that that love wont betray me. I want to laugh again and find joy in my work. I want passion to move forward into my future and retirement. And I want lack of fear through all of it. I want to lose the weight again and feel more self-confident. I want to learn to love myself again and put myself first so I can help and motivate others.